Let It Be Me

The Jade Forest, year 34 ADP

This vacation in the Jade Forest had been very strange. Not necessarily a bad strange, but strange all the same. I had truly enjoyed my time so far and even Aroki seemed to have relaxed his guard a lot more than usual, which was both refreshing and heartwarming to see. But in the past few days so many new things had happened that I had not really had time to process them all properly. The biggest one was that Aroki had finally agreed to undergo the ritual that would either provide him with the answers he had sought for so long or let him know, without a doubt, that there were no answers to be found.

Last night I had prepared the potion that would allow him to enter the dreamscape of visions that Priestesses and Huntresses go into during their trials of Faith. It was my hope that the Goddess would show him what he needed to see and perhaps it would finally allow him to find some measure of peace, put the past to rest. Aroki had taken the potion without hesitation and I had spent the next several hours waiting anxiously by the bedside for him to resurface.

When he finally did, one of the first things he did was smile at me. Smile. Aroki never smiled. In the two years that I had known him, he had never once smiled at me. My mind had struggled to comprehend it. It was bright and warm, yet so strange and foreign. But at the same time, it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen…and it had terrified me half to death.

We had been in a good place for a long time now. I had been able to keep my feelings relatively contained and we had enjoyed an easy companionship for once. With one smile all the walls I had slowly been building to keep those particular feelings contained had come crumbling down. One smile and I was lost, so helplessly lost. All I had been able to do was stare, drinking the rare expression in. There had been so many feelings swirling inside of me, as well as in the room in general, and I had not dared to examine them closer at the time, for fear of what I would, and would not, find. It had been overwhelming and a raw ache of pure longing surged through me with renewed force…and I had not been able to stand it. I had fled the room, seeking safety and solitude outside, running away from my best friend and the feelings that I harboured for him. I had spent the remainder of the night and the following day away from the house, telling myself I was not hiding, when, in fact, I was.

But Aroki had always possessed an uncanny ability to find me, even when I did not want to be found, and he found me rather easily as dusk gave way to evening. I was sitting by the small pond close to Li-han’s house, thinking myself sheltered and hidden amongst the reeds. A perfect hiding spot. Evidently not, since Aroki came strolling right up to me, startling me quite badly, as if he had known where I was all along. There was something in the air, some underlying tension or feeling that I could not quite name, and it made me edgy and restless. He wanted to talk about his experience inside the visions and while I was still confused and a bit frazzled from the day before, and not sure if I was ready to face him, he was still my best friend. If he wanted to talk, I would listen.

Aroki told me at length about his experience inside the visions, how he had seen Tahlayra, Shorts and me lie dead and being completely powerless to stop it. He told me how his long-dead wife appeared to him as a guide and showed him exactly what had happened the night he had lost her and their daughter. He spoke surprisingly little about Taeliani and when he did it was without the pain and grief the subject usually invoked in him. It was strange to hear the lack of it in his voice, to not see him tense up in anguish at the mere mention of her. Strange and perhaps a little worrying. I was not sure what to make of it…of him.

The last part of his journey had contained three visions of the future. Visions that could, potentially, come true one day. Visions of Tahlayra, Shorts…and me. He had been shown my house, the house I had dreamed of for so long and had spent many agonizing hours making designs and sketches of inside my journal. The house that was my ideal future, my safe haven and refuge. The house I hoped to live in one day. The house that did not exist. Not yet. But Aroki had seen it, and he had also seen me there.

“There was a soft humming coming from the direction of the sea. It was you…walking along the beach, but you were looking at me as if I was there. You smiled at me and I nodded back to you. You looked happy, you had a warm smile and your eyes were bright, you called out to me…but then the vision ended.”
The future he described sounded amazing and it filled me with a longing and yearning that made my breath hitch. I chose my words with utmost care in an effort to conceal the true depths of my feelings.
“It sounds like a very lovely future.”
“Indeed, after the vision passed it was over…I shared one last moment with Taeliani and then she was gone. But I did not feel longing, I felt closure.”

Suddenly, I felt the air around us change, the emotions around us shift, and it felt like the ground I had believed to be completely solid had suddenly turned into a boggy marsh. I did not know what to do, so I decided that caution would serve me best and I clung to that decision for all I was worth.
“Oh? That is good, no? It was what you hoped to achieve with this, after all, I think?”
“It was…but it also opened my eyes.”
“Opened your eyes? How so?”
“I’ve come to realize that over the past few years I have been…for the most part…an idiot.”
My mind stumbled head over mental heels and landed in a heap. What did he just say? A part of me wanted to vehemently agree with him and let him know in no uncertain terms that, yes, he had been a complete and utter idiot and that I had told him so on several occasions already. Another, slightly more polite and sensible, part of me sensed the fragility of the moment and felt reluctant to break it. So instead of ripping into him, I offered gentle encouragement instead.
“Again I ask; how so?”
“I have lived my life offering my strength and making promises to protect those around me. But in reality, I have done more damage than good…all because I could not let go.”

The confession came pouring out of him. Haltingly, yes, but I remained quiet, allowing him to speak at his own pace.
“But what happened last night has opened my eyes to a lot, my actions, the consequences…and my feelings.”
He was stalling, keeping something back, and I could not help but be curious as to what it could be. It was so rare to hear Aroki speak like this, speak of his feelings and experiences in such an open manner. At that moment I could not even recall if it had ever happened before.
“Oh? This is good too, no? Though, I can imagine that it must be a bit…overwhelming?”
“Indeed, but it has cleared a lot for me.”
“Good. I am very glad to hear that it seems to have been such a success. That you found what you were looking for, at last.”
I gave him a small smile, genuinely happy that his foray into the dreamscape and visions had been so fruitful and helped him so much.
“I have found my answers…but there was something I had missed the entire time.”
“There was? What was it?”
“Someone who has been there for me since the day I met them. Someone who has done nothing but care for me and befriend me, no matter how angry, rude or aggressive I was…no matter how much I tried to push them away they never moved. Even when I hurt them…time and time again, they never left. They have always been there and they have always helped me.”
He was staring straight at me, his gaze unusually intense and it made me nervous. There was something underneath those words, some undercurrent that I did not understand, something I was not seeing…or perhaps something I just did not want to see since it would hurt too much if I was wrong.
“I…I can think of three people this statement could possibly apply to…” It was my turn to stall for time, but I really was not sure if I could face whatever he was about to say.
“It’s you Tinwëtar…it’s always been you. You have saved me from myself time and time again…and because of you I am able to finally see that I have wronged you…and I don’t want to hurt you.”
My heart was beating so hard inside my chest that I thought it would break through my ribcage. What was he saying? Was he saying what I thought he was saying? What I had dreamed and hoped he would say for well over a year now? Surely not? He was smiling at me again. It was a slight smile but it was warm and sweet and it made my heart contract painfully inside my chest and it sent butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. No, no, no…it could not possibly be…
“I love you, Tinwëtar.”

I stopped breathing, my heart stopped beating and my mind -refused- to comprehend the words. My entire being was broken and remade in the space of one heartbeat to the next. The utter joy and elation that roared through me at the words was almost painful beyond belief, and the hope that had been just a flickering spark flared to bright life once again…only to be pushed back down by my rising panic and fear. No, no, no! This was not happening! It could not be happening! I had been told over and over that it could never be, that he could not return my feelings and never would. It was just not possible. He had shattered my heart into a thousand pieces once already, a few words from him and I would break again and again. Was this the Goddess’ version of a cruel joke? A sick dream that would leave me hollow and empty upon waking, like so many times before?
“It…it cannot be possible…you told me it could never be…”
“I…know….I know what I said but…almost half a year ago…something changed.”

I wanted to run, to flee, to escape the world that was crumbling all around me. I was drowning in a sea of conflicting emotions and as I scrambled to keep my head above water, Aroki’s continued words kept sending me under.
“The night when I almost died and you saved me from the horde ambush…as I was laying there, dying, and you were healing me, saving my life…I thought to myself that I did not want to die…but no…I did not want to leave you. I wanted to spend more time with you, to stand next to you, to comfort you…I wanted to live so I could be with you. Ever since that day, ever since then, it has only grown stronger, but it was held back by my arrogance, my stupidity and stubbornness. But I can see clearly now. It has always been you.”
His expression of sadness and pain seemed genuine and upon seeing it, the hope inside me struggled to break free from the hold my fear had on it. It was complete anguish to hear him say all the things I had wanted him to say for so long. It felt like I was being torn apart, only to be remade, again and again…since none of it could possibly be true. After everything…could it?

“I know you have been hurting, I know I do not deserve forgiveness, I am an idiot. I wanted to tell you but I was held back…like an idiot.”
I could not bear to hear it. Not a single word. The hope that it could be true, that it could be real, was absolute agony, and I could not stand it.
“How could you possibly know?” Tears were streaming down my face now, hot and bitter.
“I am dreaming, am I not? I will wake up tomorrow and none of this will have been real…have I not been hurt enough? This is a dream, it must be. I would never dare to hope…” my voice broke on a sob and I could not continue.
Aroki’s arms came around me then in a warm and comforting embrace and I instinctively buried my face at the junction between his neck and shoulder, like I had so many times before.
“I see it in your eyes…ever since that day. It pained me every day, but not as much as it hurt you. I am not proud of it and I am ashamed of being the source of that pain…but this isn’t a dream Tinwëtar, this is real. I love you…I do.”

I was sobbing uncontrollably, my mind turning over every word, every emotion, every possibility, as I struggled to come to terms with the realization that was slowly dawning upon me. This was real. What Aroki was saying was true. He truly did love me and had loved me for all these long months. It seemed so impossible…yet, there it was. Bright and shining like the most beautiful star.
“…do you promise that this is real, that it will not have vanished by tomorrow? I could not endure that kind of pain…not again…” My voice came out husky and raw from all the crying, but I had to make sure. I had to hear him say it, confirm it.
“Tinwëtar, I promise you…this is real, what I feel is real. I am not going anywhere. I am here with you until the end. I have caused you pain but I promise you I want to be with you, body and soul, to share your pain.” His grip around me tightened and I marvelled at the absolute conviction in his voice as he continued.
“This is real, I will say it as many times as I need to…I love you.”

I heard the words. I heard it in his voice. I felt it in the way he held me. It was true. No matter how impossible it seemed, it was all absolutely and irrevocably true…and it filled me with a sense of joy and wonder so strong that it took my breath away. He loved me! I was not dreaming, he truly did love me!

It was the happiest moment of my life.