Help Me, Help You

Feralas, year 34 ADP

It had been one of those evenings where absolutely everything went wrong, time and time again. Everything I touched or tried to build just broke into a million pieces and there was no chance for me to put them back together again. Frustrated and hurting, I sought a place where I could grieve and regain my composure, as well as remain undisturbed for a few hours. When I returned to the stronghold I was determined to not let any cracks in my carefully crafted facade show. But for now, I had a long battle against the pain ahead of me if I was to have any chance of achieving that goal.

But I had scarcely sat down at my refuge before I heard footsteps in the sand along the beach below. I did not need to look to know who it was, I would know those steps anywhere. How he continuously managed to find me, even when I made an effort to not be found, would forever elude me. For once, I was not happy to see him. He had dealt with enough of my nonsense this week and I did not want to burden him with even more of it. But he was here now and the likelihood of him passing by without approaching me was slim to none. So, I gritted my teeth and made an effort to not appear as if something was terribly amiss when he climbed the little hill to reach me.
“Were Shorts still in your quarters when you last saw her? Just making sure she hasn’t left the Stronghold.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. He was looking for Shorts, not me. Perhaps he would go away and leave me to wallow if I could manage to keep my calm and deliver my answer without any outwards sign that something was wrong? Keeping my voice as calm and restrained as I could manage under the circumstances, I replied.
“Last I saw her she was in my quarters, yes.”
It seemed that my efforts had paid off since Aroki replied with “Very well, I trust she has not left there.” and I prayed that he would leave to seek out the child.

Too late I noticed that my treacherous body had betrayed my distress; my hands were clenched into tight fists in my lap and by the time I realized and made the effort to unclench them, Aroki had already noticed.
“Something troubles you.”
Something dark and twisted within me wanted to lash out, say something sarcastic and mean to drive him away, to make him leave, but I held my tongue and said nothing instead. He did not deserve my ire, but I was determined not to share my pain and my troubles with him. He carried enough of it already. I would not cave in.
“Tinwëtar.”
…and just like that, some of my resolve withered away. He rarely used my first name, but when he did…Goddess above, I couldn’t deny him anything. But I could still hedge and stall. I did not need to tell him everything, did I?
“Why does everything keep falling into pieces?”
At my words he came closer, standing just below my perch at the top of the rock so that he was on eye-level with me. He tried to peer beneath my hood, to see my expression, but I carefully angled my head away so that my face would be completely obscured by shadow. He did not need to see the pain etched there.
“What has happened to you?”
“What always happens. Something falls apart and I am left with all the pieces.”
“You are not in a good place right now, you have not been since the other day.”
The statement made me want to weep since it was so obvious. Instead, I settled for a mirthless laugh.
“Goddess, no. I am really not…and believe it or not, it is worse now.”
“So you hide in the shadow of your hood so nobody has to see the pain you try to endure.” The man knew me far too well; a fact that I was not entirely comfortable with in my current state.
“It is the only physical wall I have to hide behind.”
“You are heading down the same path I went through, the pain only starts to eat at you from the inside until there is nothing left.”
“There barely is as it is! I give and I give and I give…and all I end up with is pieces. Broken pieces. When does it end?”
“When you stop letting them take.”
He made it sound so easy and I felt a fresh spike of frustration surge through my body at his words. My hands clenched into tight fists in my lap once again in response. I tried to convey my message, that I had had enough, that it would go against my very nature to stop giving, but Aroki would not have it.
“So what do you do then? Keep letting them take? Keep giving? Is this how you want it to be?”
“No…it is not. But how I want things to be is not something I can have. That has been made clear to me enough times by now. So…I will have to…settle. Since, whatever I do it will never, ever be enough. -I- will never be enough.”

I thought I could feel a flare of anger, or perhaps frustration, from him in response to my words and his eyes narrowed dangerously as he studied me.
“So you have given up?”
I recognize a trap when I see one, and Aroki’s words were certainly that. Had I given up? Was that tiny spark of hope in my chest truly dead for good? I tried to search for it, but my mind and heart were a mire of dark and painful feelings and I couldn’t fight my way through, no matter how hard I tried. So I gave him what answer I could…which was not an answer at all. No truly.
“I do not know.”
“You don’t know? Is that all? You don’t know?”
I was pretty sure that he was becoming sick and tired of me and my complaining by now and I could feel my own anger clawing its way to the surface in return. I had not asked him to come here, I had not asked him to deal with or share in my pain. All I wanted was to be left alone, to try to salvage what I could of what was left of myself.
“What do you want me to say? ‘No, I have not given up. I will happily stand up once more, only to be brought down, stomped on and crushed into tiny pieces again and again’?!”
“There is only one person letting that happen, Tinwëtar.”
His response made the rage flare brighter and I could feel it sweep through me like wildfire. He still did not understand, could not understand! A low growl of warning rumbled in my throat, to make him aware that he was treading on dangerous territory.
“So all of this, all of the pain I am currently suffering and forced to endure…you are saying it is my own fault?”
I kept my voice low, but the fury was very much there beneath each word. With another surge of anger, I scrambled to my feet, straightening my spine and lifting my head. Aroki watched me and growled right back as I moved. Very well then. If he wanted a fight, I would give him one. I was in no mood to deal with his insensitive remarks tonight!
“When will you realize that the pain you feel no longer has to be kept inside of you? We are all here for you Tinwëtar. Me, Shorts, Valestalker, your sentinels. I will not stand by idly and watch you suffer.”
I was a little bit taken aback by his words since they were so unexpected. I swallowed a mean retort and poured all my frustration into my next words instead.
“I have been alone and stood apart for millennia, Aroki! I do not know -how- to let that pain out, how to share it!”
“And I have spent the majority of my life in isolation. I will not let you end up like me.”
“Whoever said I would?! My job, my purpose has always been to serve others, to deal with their pain, grief and hurt. My own has always been secondary. Always. It is not just something that I can…let go of just like that!” My voice was rising steadily in volume in time with my anger and frustration and I could feel that the same was happening to Aroki.
“And who was there to deal with your pain and your grief?!” he growled at me.
“No one!” I all but shouted back.
“And when will you realize that you have that chance now?!”
“How many times do I have to keep telling you?! I do not know how to! What do you expect from me?!”
“To realize that you are not alone in this anymore! Like you told me!”

My nails were digging painfully into my palms and my knuckles were white from clenching my hands so tightly. Goddess above, I may be annoyed and frustrated with the man but I did not want to hurt him! Why was it so difficult for him to understand what I was trying to say?
“I do know that already! Sort of!”
It was not my most eloquent answer and I could see that whatever he had expected me to say, it was not that.
“Sort of?”

My patience finally snapped completely and along with my words, all the frustration I was keeping back came pouring out.
“Goddess above, Aroki! I have trust issues that are just as bad as yours, if even worse sometimes, and I have had them for far, far longer! I am tired, so very tired of having my heart broken…can you not see that? Each time I put it back together, the pieces do not quite fit. But I go on anyway…and then it breaks again…and again…and again…until all I am left with is a lump with a million tiny cracks that have never truly healed. The fear of letting someone in close enough to see, close enough that all they have to do is reach out and crush it between their fingers…”
My voice turned pleading and I hated myself for having broken down yet again. I was stronger than this, curse it!
“It is -all- I have left of me. If that is gone too…”

I had said and revealed far too much already and I cut myself off when my voice broke, to keep my feelings from overwhelming me completely. I turned my face away in an attempt to hide away once again, not wishing for Aroki to see me like this, or to see Aroki’s reaction to my words.
“Tinwëtar…do you trust me?”

Elune preserve me, there it was again…my name. One of the signs that he considered me an actual person and a friend, was the use of my first name instead of ‘Ravenmist’ or ‘Priestess’. The intimacy of hearing it sent a shiver down my spine and with it my anger drained away; as if it had never been. I turned to face him and studied him for a few long moments, weighing my answer. Did I trust him? Despite him having broken my heart so thoroughly, did I still trust him after everything? Once upon a time, we had promised each other honesty and I saw no reason to go back on my promise, even if I had a sneaking suspicion that my words might hurt him.
“Yes…I do. I should not, all things considered, but I do…may the Goddess have mercy on me…”
I knew that my suspicion had been correct when I saw his body tense up and I felt a stab of guilt at the words that followed.
“I am sorry for being a source of pain then, Tinwëtar.”
I did not want to hurt him, but I could not lie either. He was a source of pain, a constant stab of sorrow and grief in my heart. But he was also one of my greatest joys. It was a strange and confusing mix and I was not quite ready to let go of the positives in order to be free of the negatives. I wondered if I would ever be ready for that. Imagining my life without him in it almost sent me hurtling straight into another anxiety attack, but I pushed myself firmly back from the brink. Now was not the time. Some of my pain, grief and loneliness shone through though, darkening my eyes and expression.
“I know. I am sorry too. For everything.”

Aroki suddenly raised his arm up towards me, holding out his hand.
“You don’t know how to accept help and neither can I, but we can protect each other instead of hurting each other.”
He opened his hand, palm up, in an inviting gesture and I could feel my heart constrict painfully in my chest and tears of grief, shame and joy brimmed in my eyes.
“Help me help you and I will help you…help me.”
Goddess, how I wanted to weep. The gesture touched me deeply and sparked joy on several levels, but it was also a painful reminder that this compassion was as much as I would ever get from him. There could be nothing beyond that.

It took me several tries, but eventually, I managed to reach out with a trembling hand and place it in Aroki’s. As soon as I did, he encased my hand in his and squeezed gently, reassuring me that he was there for me.
“I’ll be strong for you until you can be strong again.”
The tears finally spilled over and trickled down my cheeks in steady streams. Sniffing, I wiped at them with my free hand and finally managed to find my voice for long enough to speak. The words came out husky with restrained emotion, but we were close enough that he would hear me clearly.
“That is very nice of you…but who will be strong for you?”
Aroki dropped my hand and I felt a brief stab of pain at the apparent rejection, but then his arms came around me in a tight hug. I was so stunned that I forgot to breathe for a moment. Aroki -never- hugged anyone willingly. He would accept a hug from someone else if he felt the situation warranted it, or invite someone to hug him for the same reason, but he never, ever made the first move for physical contact. I did not quite know what to do with myself, but as he spoke again my arms came around his waist of their own accord.
“You will be…in time.”.
I held him as tightly as I dared, clinging to him and resting my head against his shoulder. I allowed myself one moment of peace, one moment of feeling fragile, vulnerable and cared for.
“Thank you.”